


If I Can't Share Them With You

by BirdyBanter



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23119822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdyBanter/pseuds/BirdyBanter
Summary: Hutch has been missing for two years but his return isn't the celebration anyone hoped it would be. Can Starsky make it up to his friend for not rescuing him from the bad guys?
Relationships: Ken Hutchinson/David Starsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	If I Can't Share Them With You

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy the read and constructive comments welcome.

I had a Partner who had my back and a girlfriend who said she could really fall for a guy like me. So, to an outsider maybe it could seem like I had it all. The trouble was my Partner wasn’t him and it wasn’t him telling me he loved me. There was nothing with out him, a big void, like a black hole or something. And nothing could fill it, nothing came close. Because I was nothing without him. Sure I put on a good show and most were fooled, only those who knew me well could get past my act to the emptiness beneath. And there were only two on that list; Huggy and the Cap, that’s it. My partner is a good cop but he’s not Hutch, he can’t read me so well and in the first few months we were together that nearly got me killed. I gave him the signal I always gave Hutch but he misread it, didn’t cover me and I ended up in the hospital again, almost wishing I didn’t leave this time, I think I woulda given up if it wasn’t for the belief that he was still out there somewhere. I told myself he had to be. But it got harder to believe it, it has been almost two years since I last saw him. And that last night still torments me. 

We’d been at the Pits that night, Hutch was performing and I was cheering him on and enjoying the show like I always did. It had become a regular thing. He performed most Friday nights, sometimes on his own, sometimes with a girl called Alana but that night he had performed with a guy called Shaun, that’s not the name he goes by though, he calls himself ‘Starlight man.’ And he is pretty, I’ll give him that. Wears make up like Boy George. Which only makes his blue, blue eyes pop. And his full lips, seem fuller. He’s got hair a shade darker than Hutch’s and dimples too. For a guy he’s beautiful and that’s probably why I lost it when him and Hutch were flirting with each other at the bar after their performance. 

They were standing real close, too close and he, Shaun was leaning into Hutch, and every now and then he’d sorta stroke Hutch’s arm. Then he’d flutter his eyelashes at him, just so. But it was when Hutch leaned into him and whispered in his ear and Shaun through his head back laughing that I almost lost my shit for real. But I waited until we got back to my place. Hutch was only meant to drop me off but I made sure he came in because I had this feeling he wanted to rush off and my suspicious mind told me it was because he wanted to go stargazing if you know what I mean and I couldn’t let that happen. I wasn’t ready to keep Hutch then but I sure as hell wasn’t gonna give him away either.

‘What the hell was that?’ I asked when Hutch’s guard was down, he was sitting on the couch with a bear he’d snagged from my fridge.

‘What are you on about, Starsk?’ He sounded as weary as I felt.

‘What did you think you were doing with that guy? Leading him on like that. It’ll get you in trouble, someone’ll get the wrong idea.’

‘Like who, you?’

‘I’m serious.’

‘You’re ridiculous.’

‘What you gonna do when he makes a real move on you huh?’

‘I dunno Starsk, take him up on it.’

‘Yeah right Hutch, be serious will ya.’ I really hoped he wasn’t and that he was just pushin’my buttons.

‘Maybe I am serious and why shouldn’t I take him up on it?’

‘Cause you’re not into guys, maybe.’

‘You might have a point there, but then for someone who’s also not into guys you sure are quite invested in two guys makin’ it.’ He had me there. 

‘I’m lookin’out for you is all.’

‘Well what I do and who I do it with are for me to decide it’s got fuck all to do with you. Unless you’d like me to comment on your latest conquest.’

‘No but I-‘

‘But nothing pal, you’d ditch me in a heartbeat for some bit of skirt, so don’t expect me to stop and consider you when it comes to matters of my heart.’ 

That stung, I always consider him to be rapped up in matters of my heart, when it breaks or needs healing he’s the one I turn to, or turned to. If I’d known what would happen next I’d have told him that instead of letting things go down the way they did.

‘I’m part of it Hutch, when what you do effects our partnership. What get’s you in trouble, get’s us in trouble.’

‘So that’s what’s botherin’ you is it, not lookin’ out for me at all. You’re lookin’ out for yourself. That’s it ain’t it? You worried I’m gonna disgrace you Partner. Show you up. Don’t want to associate with the likes of me, afraid of what the guys at the precinct will say?’

‘No, that ain’t it and you ain’t like that, I know that, you wouldn’t…it isn’t natur-‘

‘Stop right there Starsky. I’m warning you. I had all that bullshit out of you, with John. If you finish that sentence I’ll kick your butt outta here. And before you say anything, I don’t care if it’s your place.’ He got up then and he was raging mad, I could see it in his eyes.

‘Come on Hutch, you’re not John.’

‘And if I was?’ There was a challenge in his eyes and I paused just too long.

‘I get it, you’d be done with me wouldn’t you. Our partnership, hell our friendship it wouldn’t mean shit to you, if you found out I was a cocksucker, ain’t that right?’ 

‘You’re not and now who’s being offensive.’ I smirked at him, thought I was clever.

He looked at me hard then. He sighed and put him beer down on the coffee table.

‘I’m tired, I’m going home.’ He said with what I realize now was a defeated look in his eyes.

‘You can stay here, crash if you’re that beat.’ I offered lamely.

‘No thanks.’ He said heading for the door unable to look at me.

‘Don’t go like this, we can talk some more.’

‘What’s the point Starsk, we don’t agree on some things. That’s just how it is. And maybe there are things we don’t like about each other.’

‘Course we like each other you big dope, we’re best buds.’

He nodded but his face was sad.

‘Come on stay we’ll have a few more beers and thrash stuff out, put the world to rights, okay?’

‘I’ve had enough, I’m beat.’ He continued to the door and didn’t turn back.

‘Come on, don’t eave buddy, I’m sorry.’

‘Are you?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So, you didn’t mean what you said. You don’t think it’s wrong and unnatural.’

That’s when I should have said it isn’t when two guys love each other. Because we loved each other. How I’m still not sure but we always loved each other. But I couldn’t say that then and my words dried up.

‘See you in the morning, Starsk.’ Was all he said not much for me to hang on to for the last words he ever said to me. The next morning he was gone. I went to his place when he didn’t show up for work. All his stuff was there but he wasn’t. Someone else lives there now. And I’ve never been able to find him. 

Today is supposed to be a special day and the people who care about me want to celebrate that’s why Huggy organized this surprise party for me at the Pits. I’m trying to enjoy it but there’s just too many memories here and only one person I want to share this day with and as bad as it sounds I’d swap any of these people, hell I’d swap all of them for him.

I’m sitting at the bar nursing a beer, the door goes behind me but I’m not gonna turn. Or at least I wasn’t but Huggy’s mouth is hanging open like he’s just seen a…

I spin round and I’m met by what I thought I’d never see again. I almost fall off the stool but I jump up instead because it’s him, it’s Hutch and suddenly this isn’t one Birthday, it’s all of them at once. My wobbly legs take the steps required and then I dive into him. Throw my arms around him and hold on tight. 

I don’t feel them I realize, his arms around me so I pull back to look in his eyes. He’s just staring at me blankly and I can’t think, only feel so I press forward and kiss him on the lips. He pulls back instantly. 

‘What the hell are you doing?’ He’s angry, why I don’t understand. We’re always affectionate, close. It might be a bit much but I can’t help it I thought I’d never see him again.

I’m still holding on, can’t let go.

‘Get…get off me will ya.’ He pushes me off him.

‘I look at him like I don’t know him. ‘What?’ It’s all I can manage. 

He looks around the room like a cornered animal in search of someone who won’t hurt him and all I’m thinking is why hasn’t he found that with me. 

‘Where have you been?’ I ask because apparently, I can’t think of anything important to say.

‘What do you care?’ He says without even making eye contact. His eyes finally settle on something.

‘Of course I care, how can you-‘

‘Hug? Huggy?’He says looking through me to the bar that Huggy is still standing behind. I look now for the first time around the whole room and notice everyone is frozen still no one has swung into action. Pitiful for a bar full of cops. 

‘Yes…yes my man.’ Huggy finally says.

‘I…I need…’ Hutch can’t finish. He looks terrible like he might break or somethin.’’

Huggy dashes round the bar and takes my place in front of Hutch.

‘What do you need my blond brother, and ain’t you a sight for sore eyes. If you don’t mind my sayin’ so.’ Huggy goes to touch Hutch, maybe hug him but then he pulls back. Probably because of the frosty reception I got. He does trail one hand down Hutch’s arm. Slow, gentle so as not to startle him. 

‘I…I need somewhere to stay and…freshen up. My place…it’s…’

Huggy motions for Hutch to follow him and places a careful hand on his shoulder to encourage him.

I’m just standing here like an idiot. But just before Huggy can spirit him away to the back somewhere, I find my feet. I run and get in front of Hutch. I put a hand on his chest.

‘What are you doin’ huh? What are you sayin’? You know you can come home with me I’ll take care of you. Like I always-‘

‘What do you care?’ He says it like he’s spitting venom at me.

‘Stop saying that! Why do you keep saying that?’

‘You left me there with them. You didn’t come. You never came.’

He might as well have knocked my head off. The pain, hurt and betrayal was enough to floor me.

I don’t know what to say but he isn’t giving me the chance. He dashes round me and keeps going until all I’m left with; all we’re all left with is the sound of the door slamming shut behind him as he disappears into the back.

I look at Huggy and he looks at me and we’re both thinking the same thing. This could be as bad, no maybe worse than the heroin. 

‘Took you long enough,’ I say as Hutch finally emerges from Huggy’s shower to join me in the main area of Huggy’s apartment, above The Pits.

‘What are you doing here and where’s Huggy?’

‘You know why I’m here and Huggy’s gone to get you some clothes and other stuff.’

‘Where’s he gone for it, the good will place? Nothing left of mine, not my place, nothin’,’ Hutch looks sad and lost as he speaks but I can’t help the fact that he’s really starting to piss me off.

‘No, he’s gone to mine to collect some of your things.’

‘You kept some did ya?’ He looks like he could more easily believe that the police department was now being run by aliens. 

‘Of course, I kept your stuff Hutch, most of it, so will you stop acting like an ass for five seconds and talk to me. I get you must be angry, after what musta-‘

‘Oh, you get that do you, big of you,’ he spits the words in my direction and I realize he’s looking everywhere but at me. What’s he afraid he’ll see or is he afraid of what he’ll do. Are you so angry with me Hutch? Oh Buddy, please talk to me.

‘Listen, I need to know where you’ve been, what happened to you. Do you think you can calm down long enough to at least tell me that much, Huh?’

‘You’d know if you really bothered to come and find me. But hell, Huggy cares more than you do. At least he tried, didn’t just give up when the goin’ got tough.’ 

‘What are you talkin’ about?’

‘They told me the guys who had me that my black friend was lookin’ for me. I asked if anyone else was and guess what the answer was no. That was just a few weeks ago. Huggy didn’t give up but I guess you did huh?’

‘No, no I didn’t Hutch I….’

‘So he was lookin’ ‘cause you asked? You kept lookin’ all this time?’

His eyes are so focused on me, so intense. I could lie but I’d have to look away. I can’t bear to speak the words though, so I shake my head.

‘I knew it. I knew you gave up. I kept tellin’ myself, ‘Starsk’ll come he won’t let me down. He won’t let me rot here. Even when I stopped believin’ it could possibly be true. I wanted to believe in you. But you didn’t come, I had to get myself out. How could you do that to me, huh? I’d never have stopped looking for you, never!’

His words are full of anger but even the wave of hatred comin’ my way doesn’t conceal the truth of them. I gave up on him and he would never have done that to me. He always came for me, saved me. 

‘Haven’t you got anything to say?’ He sounds as hurt as he does angry now.

‘I did search Hutch, I did try, I swear. But it just…it got harder and harder and…and I thought maybe they were right and you weren’t comin’ back that you were de-‘

‘So, you gave up on me, just got on with your life like I never existed like we were no longer partners. Some buddy you are.’ 

I can’t argue with him, I can’t. he has every right to feel this way and I feel like worse scum than the thugs we pick off the streets. I wish someone had thrown me in jail. Kept me from doin’ any more damage.

His eyes are flaming now, unsatisfied with my lame excuses. You don’t have to be an ace detective to realize my story has more holes in it than a colander. And he is an ace detective, or he was…

‘Stop that, will you bloody stop that!’ He screams at me and now with a swift throw he up turns Huggy’s coffee table at my feet. 

‘Hutch, Hutch don’t please. You…you’re here, it’s my Birthday and I just want to-‘

‘What forget it ever happened? Go celebrate? Walk downstairs arm in arm like the best friends we are?’ He says with all the contempt he can muster.

‘Please, Hutch. Please I just want to…hold you, feel that you are real, that you’re here safe and s-‘

‘Don’t you dare even say it. Don’t you dare! If it was down to you, I’d be spending your Birthday being kicked to death, beaten to a pulp…or worse…’

And it’s just now hits me, to ask myself just how bad has it been? What have they done to him? What could be worse than the two things he just described. I’m a fool, a bloody fool, this isn’t about my selfish joy at his return. It’s about what’s happened to him, what they did, how they hurt him.

‘Stop it, stop drifting into your own head and damn well have the decency to look me in the eye. Face what you’ve done!’

Of course, of course he blames me for this. For what they did to him. Because I abandoned him, I left him there.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I’m so, so sorry….’ I say and as I try to look him in the eye, the door to the room flies open and there side by side are Mike, my new partner and Sandra my girlfriend and despite them being the two people I spend most of my time with now and I do care about them, I do. I wish with all my heart that it was anyone else standing there, or preferably no one. I just want to be alone with him. I want him and no one else. Why is this shitty world determined to keep us apart?

‘What the hell’s goin’ on in here?’ Mike asks.

‘And who the bloody hell are you?’ Hutch counters.

And I want to say, he’s no one babe. Everyone is no one except you. Even with you hating me, my Birthday, my life started again, when you walked in.

‘I’m Starsky’s partner Detective Sanders and I’d like to know what’s goin’ on in here?’

I wince knowing those words will sting.

‘You would huh? Well Starsky can handle himself, he doesn’t need you partner, he doesn’t need any partner stick around long enough you’ll see that for yourself.’

‘Hutch.’ I try to appeal to him.

‘What Starsky? You got a new partner now, why don’t you take him back to your party and leave me be before I really lose my temper.’

‘There’s no need to be-‘ Sandra pipes up.

‘How would you know what there’s need for, you know nothing about us or what we…and who are you anyhow. Mike here’s bit of skirt or what?’

‘No I’m Starsky’s girlf-‘

‘Well isn’t that just wonderful, Starsky’s got everyone he needs, no need or room for ‘lil old me. I bet you both took my place as his new best friends, right? And You’ve got a new partner so…enough care and love for any man. Happy Birthday Starsk, go and enjoy it with those who really matter.’ Hutch’s pain is clear in is voice and it just silenced everyone. 

He’s giving me an intense look now, so much hurt in it I want to cry. I want to do, say something to take it away but I’m comin’ up empty and now he’s turning. Before I can blink, he’s stormed back into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I’m sat outside the bathroom door now my back against the wall next to it. I sent Mike and Sandra away twenty minutes ago, neither were happy to leave me alone with my volatile partner but I gave them no choice. Because that’s what he is and always will be my partner, never gonna be any ex about it no matter what Mike might think or even Hutch himself might say, because he’s hurting, I get it, I get him. It won’t make it true. And I’ll wait it out as long as it takes to prove it. On this dirty old floor of Huggy’s if that’s what it takes, I won’t give up, not again.

‘Starsk?’

‘Yeah Hutch?’ I sound too eager, but I don’t care.

‘You’re still here then?’

‘Yeah and I ain’t goin’ nowhere.’

‘Please leave, would ya?’

‘No, no can’t do that. The more you push me away, the more I know I need to stay.’

‘Too late to help me this time, you’re way too late. Just go.’

‘I know, I know I screwed up big time and yeah maybe I can’t make it up to you. But don’t you see I have to try; I have to Hutch because I love ya and I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know.’

I hear a sigh or a disbelieving laugh, not sure which but he says nothing.

‘Listen buddy I got ta know you’re alright. I…I saw ‘em you know the, tha bruises. And I don’t know what ya been through but I need to know what the damage is you know.So please come out will ya?’

‘The damage is already done.’ I bearly hear him, he’s so quiet.

‘I didn’t give up on you the last time we were alone up here, in this place and I’m not gonna now, so come out now, or do I have ta come in?’

‘No.’ He’s still quiet but his voice is firm.

‘Come on, it is my Birthday and there’s only one place I wanna go, one thing I wanna do.’ 

He’s quiet so I knock on the door.

‘What? What d’you want from me?’ Louder now and sounding pissed off again but at least he’s talking.

‘I want to go to the hospital, even though I hate those places and would never go there willingly, especially on my Birthday. But I want to today because all I want for my Birthday is to make sure my best friend, the blond beauty who lights up my life is okay. So, will you please come out and give me the best gift eva, please Hutch.’

He’s gone quiet on me again but if he don’t come out in a minute I swear I’m knocking the damn door down.

The door opens and Hutch slowly comes out into the main room. I scrabble to my feet. 

‘Hey.’ I say because yeah, I am that lame but what can I say. I could get on my knees and beg forgiveness and if I thought it would work, I might just try it.

‘Huggy can take me, you go back to the party.’

‘Stop it Hutch just stop it. I get your pissed at me but quit actin’ like anything matters more to me right now that you do.’

He shakes his head and I wanna slap him even though it’s me that deserves to be hurt, not him. He’s been hurt enough I’m sure about that, if I’m not about anything else. I hate this, us we’re all wrong, so I’m all wrong.

‘Please, okay? Go back to hating me later. Let me look after you now like I shoulda before.’ I’m begging, putting all my pain into my voice. Appealing to his big compassionate heart. I’m such a bastard.

He nods and the movement’s so slight I could easily have missed it. He’s standing rooted to the spot and now I’m getting a better look at him. He’s really pale, so pale it’s like he hasn’t seen daylight for a long time. Oh shit, what if that’s true? And there’s bags under his eyes and his cheek bones are sticking out and I search the rest of his body. He’s still got muscle but he’s thinner than he should be like he’s been carrying a great strain. The fear sets in. What did they do to you Partner? What have you been put through? The fight’s gone out of him, his shoulders have slumped, and this is worse, so much worse than his rage, his anger directed at me. I can take that I realize but not this, if he’s broken. If he can’t be fixed and I let it happen. It won’t matter if he can’t forgive me. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

‘My clothes.’ He says and I can’t catch up. Did he say anything else? And now I get it. He’s still standing there in Huggy’s ill fitting robe and yeah I can’t take him to hospital like this, can I? 

The door swings open and my thoughts are interrupted.

‘Alright my blond bro, I got some of your stuff here. I didn’t know what you’d wanna wear, so I brought this whole box. Take your pick.’

I’m grateful for the ice Huggy’s breaking, the tension was getting to me but I hope Hutch won’t just ask him to take him instead of me. This day is breaking my heart enough already without being side-lined and I need to know first-hand he’s okay, even if we’re just talkin’ physically. I know he isn’t okay, okay. I’m not an idiot, except I am, aren’t I? Yep, the biggest one on the planet for not searching the whole country and beyond for him. I left so many stones unturned and gave up so easy on getting him back. I want him to hate me for this, hit me with all of it, over and over like someone’s done to him. I’ll take those bruises from him and make them mine. Anything to take the pain away and that defeated look from his eyes. I want my friend back, properly back. He has to come home. 

‘How’d you get on?’ I ask as Hutch comes out to the waiting room after being checked out, by from what I could tell in a few minutes was a very matter of fact doctor.

‘Cracked rib and some bad bruising’s all.’ Hutch tells me like he’s talking about someone else. Like one of the victims of crime we come across at work, no I realize much more dispassionately and distant than that. Because he always cares about others, even when it’s just normal for us, part of the job. He does his best to comfort people, he’s good like that, his compassion shines through. But he’s never so gentle with himself. More likely to give himself a hard time. But even for him, this is cold, shut off like he couldn’t give a shit about himself. I hate that. Have I lost him? 

‘What’s that?’ I ask pointing at the paper in his hands. I can guess what it is but I also want him talking to me.

‘Prescription.’

‘For? Painkillers?’

‘Yeah and cream for bruises.’

‘Okay, pharmacy then?’

He doesn’t move just looks up and down the hall like he’s waiting for something or searching for a way out.

‘I think it’s this way.’ I say with a smile, trying to encourage, be gentle.

He still doesn’t move. ‘What is it?’ I try.

‘I…um, don’t have any, you know money.’ He looks sheepish like he’s ashamed or something. We rely on each other for so much, why is this so hard…oh, yeah stupid. He hasn’t been able to rely on me for anything for two years and two long years at that. And if they’ve been long for me safe at home surrounded by people who care about me and I still felt rotten every day, how bad must it have been for him?

‘Please?’ I say and hold my hand out for the prescription and plead with my eyes.

He’s looking at me hard, I won’t look away. He hands it to me. 

The drive back to Huggy’s was quiet. I tried to ask Hutch if he would come back to my place instead but he shut me down. I just turned the engine off and we’re sitting in awkward silence.

I clear my throat to ask,’ Should I…I mean would it be okay. If I come up with you?’

He’s shifting in the seat and I want to ask if he’s hurting bad but chances are he won’t tell me and he could just be feeling as awkward as I am.

‘I’m not sure…I mean you’ve already missed your party and won’t your lady be expecting you to spend the evening with her. All I’ll be doin’ is crashing anyway.’

It’s a brush off but it’s also the least hostile he’s sounded all day so I’ll take it I guess.

‘Can I…I’d like to come by tomorrow. If that’s okay.’

‘I dunno Starsk, I need some thinking time, you know…’

‘You’re still mad, that’s what is, yeah?’

‘I don’t know what I am but dog tired. And I might say some things you don’t want to hear. If we talk when I’m feelin’ like this.’

‘I don’t care what you say to me so long as I get to be in the same room as you. It’s been so long and…hell I miss you Hutch.’

He’s gone quiet on me. ‘Not enough.’ He says and then jumps out of the car before I can answer him, tell him he couldn’t be more wrong. I want to chase after him but I won’t. I didn’t come for him and he has a right to be hurt. I might not have been able to track him down to rescue him, I keep telling myself that. But I’m no fool so I can’t pretend there’s a good reason I stopped trying. 

I just dropped by Huggy’s where he informed me that Hutch was out, just out. No further info, like I’m some stranger with no right to ask. I almost clocked him one even though I know it’s not his fault. I’d never admit this to him, but I kinda hate him right now for being a better friend to Hutch and puttin’ me to shame in the process. Huggy never gave up on Hutch, I should love him for that, but I can’t. 

So, I don’t know where Hutch is but I can make a real good guess. I’m not one of BCPD’s finest for nothing. I’m the best damn detective they’ve got, at least since Hutch isn’t working there at the moment anyway. And it just so happens that’s where I think I’ll find him, at the precinct. Because where else could he be. He’s so beat up and beat down right now can’t imagine him socializing or even eating out. And something tells me he’s had enough of breaking a sweat physically, so the gyms out. Those bruises speak to me of a fight for his life, maybe on more than one occasion and that sends a shiver down my spine I can tell you. Yeah, next to me and Huggy the person Hutch is closest to is Captain Dobey and as he’s been like a surrogate father to me and Hutch who better to go to if he needs to talk. Well me obviously but as I’m persona non grata, I guess he’s next best. 

I pull up just as the man himself is walking out of the station like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders, he turns left and walks on. I wind down my window. ‘Hey, Hutch.’ I shout but he hasn’t turned his head. Lost in thought, he could think just about anything to death, that boy. I turn off the engine and get out. I start to follow. I should run but I’m not gonna look that desperate, besides he’ll have to stop and cross the road soon then I’ll jog up to him. Hutch turns a corner and it’s only now I realize I’m not the only one following him. A big guy in front of me has turned the corner too. That wouldn’t be strange on its own I know but he’s rushing up behind Hutch and he’s the only one up ahead, he’s going for him and all my cop instincts are on alert. I reach for my gun. 

‘Hutch watch out!’ I shout but I’m too late as Hutch turns the guy grabs him.

I break into a run.

‘Get your filthy hands off my Partner now!’ I scream.

The man steps back and Hutch’s expression changes from confusion to I’m not sure what, recognition or is it relief. 

‘Hey.’ Hutch says to the man.

‘Hey, yourself.’ The man says.

‘Oh Starsk, put that away, will you? This is a friend of mine, Bill.’ Hutch says like for a moment he forgot I was even here. Then he gives the man a look and the man nods.

‘David Starsky this is Bill Myers.’ 

The man, Bill sticks his hand out for me to shake. 

‘So how do you two know each other?’ I ask trying to sound calmer than I feel.

‘I’m not sure this is the place to talk about this but Bill has been a good friend to me and we could use a chat I think. In private Starsk.’

‘You want me to go is that it?’

‘I think it might be best, me and Bill have some catching up to do.’

‘I’m not goin’ anywhere until you tell me how you know each other.’ I can’t pretend I like the look of this guy and how can I be sure he hasn’t got some hold over Hutch. He hasn’t told me where he’s been or what happened to him yet so how can I leave him with a big lug, who looks like a heavy. The sort you’d hire to rough someone up. 

‘We can’t talk about this here Starsky.’ Hutch says in a gravelly tone that tells me he’s barely holding back his anger and frustration.

‘Fine, let’s go back to Huggy’s then or mine. Don’t care which but I ain’t leavin’ you alone with this guy Hutch.’

‘For heaven’s sake Starsk, I told you he’s a friend. Can’t you take my word for it.’

I give him a stare that I hope conveys that I’m not backing down.

‘Alright fine Huggy’s it is then.’ He says nodding towards Bill who nods back. Why is he asking this guy for confirmation? He’ll do what we say and like it or he can sod off.

We’ve been back at Huggy’s for about fifteen minutes and Hutch and his pal have told me precisely nothing. Zip, nada. I know I shouldn’t be surprised right I mean Hutch is a trained and experienced cop just like me. He knows every interrogation technique in the book. So he sure knows just how to clam up. And Bill’s following his lead like his life depends on it and for all I know it does. I’d get Dobey down here to help me with this ‘interview’ if I could get Hutch to talk. Although he might already know a lot more about this than I do after all Hutch must have had a chat with him at the pricint earlier. I’d offer the pair of them a lawyer to protect their rights, anything if I thought it’d get them to open up.

‘For the last time Starsk, he helped me out when I needed it. Bill’s a good friend and a good man.’ Hutch says answering a question I forgot I asked. Or maybe I’ve just asked it so many times since we got here, I’ve lost track.

‘From when you were away?’ I say repeating another question I’ve asked countless times and still not got the straight answer I want.

Hutch let’s out a long sigh and then looks to Bill who gives a soft look back which I can’t place.

‘Yes, alright from when I was away.’

‘So why couldn’t you just say that?’ I’m getting exasperated here.

‘It’s not just my story to tell and once I start you might not like where it takes us. I’m warning you now, you might not want to hear this pal.’

Hutch’s face is like stone and now he’s got me really worried. What did those bastards do to him that he’s scared to tell me about it?

‘I know what you’re thinking Starsk but this isn’t just about what happened to me it’s also about why and how.’

That’s got my attention alright and I don’t like the sound of it at all.

‘Listen, um, Bill…I think me and Hutch need a few minutes to talk. Would ya leave us to it huh?’

Bill doesn’t answer me he just looks at Hutch. ‘Ken?’

‘It’s okay Bill, he’s right we should talk alone. Why don’t you go downstairs and get something to eat, mention that you’re a friend of mine and Huggy, he’s the owner and he’ll fix you something good.’

‘Yeah, okay Ken. You sure it’s okay?’

Hutch nods at Bill. And Bill winks at him and then turns to go. He actually winked at him. What is it with this silent communication they’ve got going on? I thought that was our thing. 

‘So?’ I ask.

‘You know it’s getting on maybe we should grab somethin’ to eat too.’

‘Stop stallin’ Hutch.’

With a slow, loud exhale Hutch sits down on the sofa next to me and I realize he’s been standing since we got here, he’s really on edge.

‘Okay, but like I said you’re not going to like this.’

I tap him on the knee to encourage him to go ahead and tell me anyway.

He runs a hand through his hair. ‘It was pretty bad there, Starsk.’

His voice started to break at the end there, he’s scaring me.

‘What did they do to you huh?’

‘They um Starsky they….’ He can’t finish the sentence.

‘Come on Babe, please tell me.’

‘It wasn’t just what they did, it’s what they made me do.’ His haunted tone is like ice in my veins.

‘They didn’t…did they, force you to…did they hurt you like…oh shit Hutch did they….’ The horror of my voice reaches him and he turns to meet my eyes.

‘No Starsky, no…. nothing like that but they ah…made me hurt people really bad and I think…think maybe they turned me into something….something maybe monstrous…..’

That tone is back and he’s horrified by what he’s remembering.

‘I had to fight for my life in there Partner and I mean fight for it hard,’ he continues.

I’d love to dwell on him calling me partner for the first time since he returned but I have to focus on what he’s telling me. He had to fight to the death with people is that what’s he’s saying?

‘But you didn’t, surely you didn’t actually kill anyone, did ya?’

He’s shaking his head and yeah those are tears falling.

‘Near enough, Starsk. I hurt one guy really, really bad. He might never wake up.’

Shit , oh shit. What that must have done to him. And how badly hurt must he have been too. And two years of that. How the hell did he make it that long. How did he survive?’

‘You still with me pal?’ Hutch asks patting my knee, the subtlest of touches.

‘Yeah, yeah ‘course I am…I was just thinkin’ is all. I um…there’s more isn’t there? You said why and how. What does that mean Hutch?’

‘This is harder than I thought. I gotta start by saying I did blame you Starsk at the start I hated you and as it went on and on I really…I sorta turned all my anger on you more and more and I had some real bad feelings towards ya. Not just because I started thinkin’ you gave up on me and left me there. But because you were the reason, I was there in the first place.’ Hutch gets to his feet and now he’s pacing, can’t look at me either. Everywhere but at me.

‘Maybe this isn’t such a good idea, dredging this up, it’s only gonna hurt both of us and I’m trying to deal with how I feel about you givin’ up on me, I can’t handle all this as well.’ He’s so sad, voice so distant. 

‘I get that, I can tell your struggling with your feelin’s but Hutch I think you need to tell me this and I need you ta explain it. We have a lot to get past to get back to how we were and we can’t leave anythin’ unsaid.’

‘Okay but like I said you won’t take this well and I don’t want you goin’ off the deep end. You’ve got to keep it together and just listen okay?’

I nod in the affirmative.

‘Do you remember that case we had with that Russian gang who were big into drug trafficking?’

I got to think for a moment, take my mind back over two years. I nod again.

‘But Hutch what’s that got t-‘

He cuts me off with a raised hand and I gesture for him to continue because I did say I’d listen.

‘It wasn’t long after you were back on the job and that one guy had you pegged down remember? He was on you I was hiding but had to step out to cover you. The other guys got in the car I chased them but lost them, I thought you were behind me. I came back and that was when I shot at him and clipped him.’

‘You saved me of course I remember.’

‘But he got away, I wasn’t near enough and you tried but he…he overpowered you.’

‘Yeah kneed me in the chest, I went down because of the pain in my…’

‘Your scars, right. Well that was how I first got on Alexie’s radar. I had the nerve to try and take him down, shoot him in the arm. But in a twisted way I impressed him I guess.’ 

‘What are you sayin’ Hutch?’

‘I’m saying it was him, alright? It was him and his gang. They grabbed me in front of my place and they’re the ones who’ve had me all this time. Forcing me to be part of this underground fight club come gladiator ring. Only the best fighters come out on top, only the best live. Even if sometimes they wish they hadn’t.’

‘You can’t mean that, can’t be sorry you made it through?’

‘Can’t I? Can’t I really? It was hell, a never-ending daily hell with no escape in sight and no redemption either. Not for the things I’ve done. And when that young man went down and I heard his head crack on the ground, I’d have given just about anything for someone to end it then. To swap places with him. I’ve killed before Starsk, we both have but bad guys, who were trying to hurt innocent people. He was only in his twenties and a poor schmuck, accidently caught up in something over his head. And didn’t want to be there anymore than I did. A green card was all he wanted, that and a new life. Fat chance of that now. All thanks to me and these…’ Hutch rushes to the wall before I can get to my feet and starts punching it. I run to him.

‘Stop, stop…it’s okay, okay babe please, you’ll hurt yourself.’ I pull him into me and away from the wall and we sink to the floor together. He’s balling his eyes out like a little kid who’s fallen off his bike for the first time. 

‘Shhh, shhh, it’s okay sweetheart. It wasn’t you, they made ya. Just tryin’ to survive like everyone else there. This young guy could just as easily hurt you that bad. You wouldn’t want him tearing himself apart like this would ya?’

‘No but…I did it, no one else me, my fists. His blood’s on me.’

I’m just going to hold him, the pain won’t go just like that and no matter what I say neither will the guilt. 

‘Listen darlin’ you just cry all you want, okay? But maybe we can do something huh? Go check on him, see if he’s any better.’

‘He…he’s not, I been checkin’ on him Starsk, there’s no change and the doctors aren’t hopeful there will be.’ Hutch is sniffing and his voice is all wobbly.

‘Okay, well maybe we could still do something, visit him maybe. Does he get many visitors, do you know?’

‘No, I mean no, he doesn’t. He only had his m-mother and she’s too sick to travel here. That’s why he needed money so bad, to send it home for her.’ He sounds so heartbroken, I want to keep holding him for as long as I can but not here on the floor.

‘Hey, let’s get up yeah, we can sit on the sofa and hash this thing out.’ I help him to his feet and we sit back on the sofa.

‘We’ll go visit him together. That’s what we’ll do, he won’t be alone Hutch and with someone there he might find a way out of it. I mean doctors don’t know everything do they? I mean lookit me I’m practically good as new and none of them predicted that, did they?’ And if he gets better maybe you’ll forgive yourself and me too.

‘Are…are you better now Starsk, truly? Promise?’

He’s looking at me now, those blue, blue eyes swimming and I swear I can see the mountains we still have to move reflected in the lake like quality of those eyes. 

‘I am Hutch, right up to peak fitness, not like I was the last time we…I wasn’t quite there was I when we were on the streets back th-‘ I cut myself off going back, thinking about what he said.

‘Starsk? You okay?’ He must see it in my eyes.

‘You said you blamed me…not just for not coming for you but…oh my…. fuck, fuck it. Oh, hell Hutch. They got to you because that guy saw your face, saw it and got away. He got away ‘cause of me and damn it all to hell…it is my fault, you blame me because I let you down. I’m the reason you were in their hands and I’m also the reason you stayed in them. I’m a dirty rotten, stinkin’ weak, bastard.’ 

‘I did blame you Starsky, I did. I couldn’t help it. It was so bad there and the longer I was there the more I was losin’ hope. It hurt more that you didn’t come…and when I got out and you were here and…and havin’ a party like, like I didn’t matter and you could g-go on like I never existed…it just hurt so bad and I wanted to stay angry, stay hating you but I can’t not anymore, I’m just so damn tired….so tired…’ He sinks towards me and I grab him up in my arms and I don’t deserve this, don’t deserve to be holding him but I know I can’t let go, not ever again. I’ll keep him safe this time if it’s the last thing that I do. My sole purpose now is to protect him. 

‘I’ve got you babe, okay…I’ve got you and I’ll never let you down again. Take your time forgivin’ me. We got to do this right…and when you forgive me I’ll prove I’m worth it. Worth your trust and worth your love.

‘What time is it?’ He asks me lifting his head up from it’s place on my chest. I don’t care what time it is I just want to stay here with him like this.

‘I got nowhere to be, buddy. It’s the weekend remember. I’m off work.’ 

‘Hey, but it’s getting late, shouldn’t you be getting home? You’ll be missed.’

My heart, now liquid, pools into my stomach. 

‘Naw, I won’t be me and Sandra aren’t livin’ together or anything. We’re not that serious. And will you stop lookin’ at me like that?’

‘Like what huh? Like someone who’s been replaced.’

‘You haven’t been replaced not by Sandra I mean it’s not like you were ever my…’

‘Your what, your girlfriend? No, I was definitely never that. And not just because I’m no woman. Didn’t stop you actin’ like…’

‘Like what?’

‘Nothing, never mind.’

‘No go on say it. We both know it. Know where this thing was heading before you. You…’

‘Do we, do we really because I seem to remember you acting like a real dick. Layin’ down the law, what I could and couldn’t do and being jealous of anyone payin’ me attention. But you went on playing the field girl, after girl like there was no tomorrow. To hell with how that mighta made me feel.’

‘Maybe because there might not be a tomorrow, ever think that’s why I was actin’ like that.’

‘Don’t…okay don’t use that. It wasn’t just you that suffered when you got shot you know. I did too, more than you’ll ever know. And that’s all the more reason to not waiste time on, on pointless flings, don’t you think? That’s why when I thought any day could be my last, any punch could finish it. Like it did for Joseph, all I could think about was not seeing you again, not havin’ you there if…however mad I was at you that never changed. Might be nice to know you felt the same but maybe you don’t.’

Oh, he’s breaking my heart here. ‘Hutch, baby I do…I’m sorry, okay. Why do you think I was such a jealous prick? Of course, I feel the same.’ I reach for him again, but he pulls away and off the sofa.

‘I think you need to go now. You said you’d give me time. So give me it please.’

I don’t want to go, don’t want to leave. But how can I push. I’m with Sandra and how can I convince him of anything when he must think I’m still hiding. I was but from the pain of missing him. Now he’s back, my feelings for her, well they could never compare.

‘Okay Hutch okay. I’ll go but I’ll be back tomorrow and the day after that.’

He turns his back, he’s upset and I wish I could go to him. But for now I need to let him get a hold of himself so I’m leaving. I look at him again, at his shoulders slumped down, I hate what I’ve done to him. The pain he’s had to endure because I wasn’t the partner I should have been, in any way. I close the door behind me but it will open again I’ll make sure of it.

I swear the john at The Pits is worse than the one at metro. It stink’s something awful in here. I’m just zippin’ up when the door to the john slams shut hard, I might’ve made a mess on myself a few seconds ago but not now, even so I look up angrily at the guy and then I notice who’s standing there.

‘Bill?’

‘I need a word with you.’

‘Well you got my attention, shoot.’

‘I think you oughta give Ken some space.’

I can’t help the harsh laugh that escapes, who does this guy think he is and where does he get off.

‘I’m serious.’

‘Stick it, pal. No one warns me off my partner. We’ve been through it all together. What’s between me and Hutch someone like you could neva imagine.’

‘I think I could, been through hell together too. He was there for me when no one else was and I was there when he had no one else was either.’

I wish the big lump would just hit me; it’d hurt less.

‘Still don’t come close.’ I say with less confidence than I coulda two years ago.

‘You think I’m intimidated by your history, I’m not ‘cause that’s what it is history.’

‘Make it sound like you’ve taken my place, guess there ain’t room for the both of us.’

‘You got that right,’ he says and there’s something overly fierce, intense in his eyes and I think I know what it is. 

‘Wait a sec, you…you’re actin’ like. You want him don’t you and not like a friend?’

‘That’s why there’s only room for one of us, Ken can have two friends but not two…’

‘Lovers? You sayin’ that’s what you are?’ That came out too panicked, why can’t I play it cool.

‘Not yet.’

‘Does he know…did you…?’

‘No and no…Ken thinks, he knows about my ex-wife and kid, he thinks I’m…only into women.’

‘Is it any man or jus’ this one, hard to resist all that beauty, ain’t it?’ I can’t help it this guy’s only interested in one thing, he don’t know my Hutch.

‘He’s beautiful alright.’

I knew it and my smirk must say it.

‘But it’s not like how you think. He’s someone I can’t lose from my life; I’d fight the devil himself to keep him. People like him are so rare. His heart’s as big as his brain, he’s a solid gold diamond of a man. His personality shines as much as his classic looks because he’s not just a beauty, he’s a beautiful person.’ 

‘You love him?’ I sound stupid to my own ears.

‘Of course. How could I not, he gave me so much, even held me when it was rough and I got to hold him, rocked him to sleep a couple of times. He gave so much and kept on doin’ it. I wish I could’ve saved him from that place but he saved me even before what he did to get us out of there.’

My heart clenched at the idea of someone else holding Hutch, I wish I was a bigger man but I hate Bill, yet I also have to know.

‘How…how did he save you…get you out?’

‘He hasn’t told you? No, he wouldn’t…he’s so brave, steady but it’s a quiet bravery. No need for him to brag about it and he never would.’ 

What can I say to that Hutch was always quiet about the amazing courage he shows like it’s nothing, when to the rest of us it’s everything.

‘I know how brave he is, the quiet, strong hero it’s so easy to rely on. I wish he didn’t always take it on himself. Wish he’d talk to me about what all this has done to him, let me help.’

‘It’s easier for him to help others than let others help him. I broke down some walls but not all. He knows he can lean on me though.’

‘He can damn well lean on me too, he’s my partner.’ We’d started to talk like friends, but this guy is the opposite of that, he’s an opponent.

‘Except he’s not…you replaced him; I could never do that. My loyalty is unshakable, and he knows that. He’s not yours anymore.’

‘You’re wrong. He’s my partner and always will be.’ I growl my words, almost spitting them at him and then shoulder him out of the way. As I leave my shoulder’s not the only thing that hurts.

I knew it, I really did, this job sucks without Hutch. But it’s days like today that it truly stinks. I’ve spent it in the company of a guy who killed another guy and put a woman in the hospital in a critical condition all because of his jealously. ‘I couldn’t let her go. I loved her too much.’ The guy said that over and over in the interview. His poor ex-wife was finally happy with someone else, someone better for her and the selfish bastard couldn’t even let her enjoy it. It put some things in perspective for me. If you love someone maybe you should do whatever it takes to make them happy even let them go. So, you may think it’s wrong of me that I still just want to fight for Hutch. He could be better off without me but I won’t be without him. And I simply can’t trust Bill with his heart. The question is can I trust myself. If it’s what he wants I will let him go but not without a fight and not unless I have to. 

‘A rough one, hey partner,’ Mike says putting what he thinks is a comforting hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off. It’s not his fault but he’s not my partner and there’s only one person I want a comforting touch from. 

‘Yeah, rough,’ I say heading out of the squad room, throwing over my shoulder, ‘Write it up for me will ya? I’ve got somewhere to be.’

I went to Hug’s place last night determined to talk stuff through with Hutch but Huggy said he wasn’t there and he wouldn’t tell me where he was either. I couldn’t help feelin’ he was somewhere with Bill. Have I told you how much I hate that guy? I called Sandra because I had to talk to someone but all her attempts to comfort me fell flat and I realized I wasn’t being fair I can’t concentrate on a relationship right now and shouldn’t be in one with all these confusing feelings I’m having so I called it off with her. I stewed over everything all night and now I’m dog tired. I’m late and I know it so it’s no surprise that Dobey is at me already.

‘Starsky, in here,’ Dobey shoutss sounding more urgent than angry but I’m probably in for it anyway. 

I follow him into his office and shut the door.

‘Um…sit down son,’ Dobey sounds soft, not his gruff self and that tells me one thing; this isn’t good because he only sounds like that when…

‘How bad is it Captain?’

‘He’s in the hospital son. He’ll be okay but it’ll be an overnight stay at least. The take down went south and he had to think fast. You know how Hutch gets when he’s in protective mode, puttin’ himself between others and danger. That boy’s no good for my blood pressure.’

‘Mine either…but Cap, what take down? What are you talkin’ about Captain? Hutch isn’t back on duty…he’d be with me if he…’

‘We had a lead on the guys who took him, we needed to draw them out, but we couldn’t do it without him. He was as committed as anyone to bringing them down.’

‘Bait…you used him as bait?! Is that what you’re tellin’ me and without his partner as back up?’

‘He had plenty of back up Starsky and you’re not his partner anymore…I hate to say it but…there it is.’

‘So, you kept me out of it?’

‘It was a joint decision.’

‘Hutch didn’t want me there? That what you sayin’?’

‘He…he just didn’t think it was good idea.’

‘Why not?’

‘I think you know the answer to that. You can’t keep your cool that well not with someone who’s hurt Hutch. You go too far sometimes and well…you’d go overboard trying to make up for…’

‘Lettin’ him down? Yeah, thanks Cap, I get the picture. Now tell me what hospital he’s at or am I not allowed to know that either.’

I can feel it coursing through me the white-hot rage. I’ve got to push it down, dowse it with ice water before I open this curtain and face him. But I’m still as mad as hell with him and Dobey. How could they stop me from being there to cover my partners back? Do they not know what that means to me? I’m the one who protects him, stops harm from coming to him, me damn it. That’s why he’s here now because I wasn’t there to stop it. I’m never there am I? It’s a habit I never wanted to pick up. He’s too important to me to let him down so much. I want to make it up to him. Why won’t he let me?

Our eyes meet as I open the curtain, but Hutch looks away quickly. At least he has the decency to look ashamed, at least I think that’s what it is.

‘Hey Partner, here again huh? Not the best habit to get into. How ya doin’?’

‘I…I’m okay Starsk, a little banged up is all.’

A clearing of a throat brings my attention to the man sitting on the chair next to Hutch’s bed. Bill, I hadn’t even noticed him.

‘You got here quick Bill.’

‘Well…I not really…I was-‘ Bill says like he’s scared of me, he should be. 

‘You were there, with Hutch?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What the hell Hutch? Why was he there and not me?’

‘We had to lure them out Starsk, so I had to use some of the guys they were using for the fights. Only some like, Bill were keen to help out, most just want to forget it. Can’t say I blame them.’ Hutch looks defeated for a guy who just took down a gang of bad guys but even the sad look in his eyes won’t get him off hook so easy.

‘But there were cops there too right, ready to swoop in and make the arrests, any reason why I couldn’t be one of them Partner.’ I say that name with the contempt I feel.

‘Stop it will you, just bloody stop callin’ me that, like it’s still what we are.’

‘Oh, I think today proves, we’re definitely not that anymore, we’re as far from it as we can be Buddy. Oh, sorry that term’s probably off limits too ain’t it?’

Hutch looks away from me awkwardly and towards Bill. ‘You think you can give us a few minutes, me and Starsky need a word.’

‘You sure?’ Bill says lookin’ nervously between us.

‘Oh for Pete’s sake, I’d never hurt him, you don’t really think that-‘

Bill raises his hand and then taps Hutch on the leg before silently walking away.

‘I wish you’d try harder with him Starsk. I was on my own there before Bill. I was the oldest of the guys and I tried real hard to look out for them, best I could but it’s hard to give comfort and chase away the nightmares when the next day you’ll be the one staring in those same nightmares, be the one hitting them and knocking them down, maybe to never get up again. And Bill always had my back, helped me with the other guys and also fought to get me treatment for the worst of my injuries, I did the same for him. I mean I wasn’t here for you Starsky, to back you up but you at least had your brother cops, Dobey and Huggy, I only had Bill, you wouldn’t really begrudge me that would you?

‘’Course not, I’m sorry I will try. I know he’s not a bad guy.’ I tap his arm to offer comfort, I really want to hold him but he isn’t ready to let me. 

‘He’s a good-‘

‘Friend? Yeah well I think he’d like to be more.’

‘I know and at least he’s not scared of it.’

‘But I am?’

‘Aren’t you?’

‘Maybe I was but…’

‘Yeah?’

‘Losin’ you put things in perspective.’

‘It took something that extreme?’

‘I’m not proud of it, Hutch.’

‘That wasn’t…the reason you didn’t come for me was it? Because you were scared of us.’

‘No, Hutch, no…you can’t really think that, hey, hey…answer me one thing ‘kay when did I stop bein’ a great guy in your eyes. How long did it take to forget everything we were?’

‘Two years is a long time to live with just memories and nothing real to remind you.’

‘I let you go too easily and now I’ve lost you forever, is that right?’ I can’t keep the fear from my voice.

‘We can’t keep going over this.’ 

‘I need answers, I need you to talk to me, really talk. There’s a reason you wouldn’t let me be there for you last night. And don’t give me none of that bull about not trustin’ me with people who hurt you, Dobey already tried to feed me that one and I don’t buy it. I think it’s because you’re still pissed at me, but what are you most angry with me about, what can’t you forgive; me lettin’ you down in the field or me not savin’ you after bein’ the reason you got taken?’

Hutch sighs and looks at me like I’m some foolish, uncomprehending child who needs everythin’ explained to him.

‘I know I should deny it and say neither, say now the bad guys are goin’ down all’s forgiven and we can forget about it but the truth is both, I’m still angry at you about everything, Starsk. You really hurt me and it seems to me you don’t even realize how much. Your life went on so easily without me, while I languished in hell. Think what that would do to you, me happy, fine without you while you suffered worse than you ever have and alone, no one charging to the rescue this time. Not worth saving. When we always did, comin’ for each other was what we did, bad guys be damned, no one stood a chance against us, no one could…’

‘If you don’t think I was in hell too Hutch…I was babe believe me. On the outside, always on the outside I kept up the pretence, one foot in front of the other but deep in my soul it took everything I had to not think about it. Late at night, home alone. I couldn’t be alone, ‘cause all I did was think and then I’d start to hope. I couldn’t afford to hope Hutch. I couldn’t bare to find out for sure either. I had to live in a world between the two, that grey place where if you don’t play the game you can’t lose. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to play on when everyone else had gone home but I guess without you I’m just a scared little boy, with no one to play with.’ 

‘But you did have people didn’t you, you had-‘

‘I didn’t have you and without you I’m nothin’. I need you back Babe, please come back to me.’

‘I…I’m not comin’ back buddy, I can’t. I…B-Bill has a cousin, who’s got this ranch and he knows what a country boy I am at heart and he knows I need to get a way from it all after what I’ve been through so he’s offered me a job and I think I’m gonna take it.’

‘You can’t be serious Hutch, you ran away from all that, you’ll be bored stupid and you’d miss bein’ a cop. It’s who you are. If this is about me, we don’t have to go back to bein’ partners again straight away, I’ll earn back your trust I swear. And…and we’re still pals yeah so…how can we keep that goin’ if you’re in some place in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of cows huh?’

‘Not cows Starsk, buffalos,’ He’s smilin’ at me and even if it’s ‘cause I’m bein’ stupid I don’t care. Just please just keep smilin’ at me Hutch.

But no, couldn’t last, his face is darkening. ‘I can’t Starsky…I just can’t anymore. I…I had to shoot one of them last night, one of the gang. A guy I hated but I still only just managed it and then it was because he had Bill cold. And I froze then, I froze and that’s how I came by this, a bullet grazed my head. I can’t do that anymore, don’t you see…live in inches. An inch to the left and you kill someone, an inch to the right and they kill you. Not since the kid…I can’t…I can’t…’ 

He’s breaking my heart, losin’ it like this, the tears are there in the crack in his voice. If he let them fall, let me hold him while they did, maybe we’d be alright, find our way back but I just know he won’t. if the trust’s gone you can’t always get it back.

‘It’s okay Hutch…okay….’ I reach for his hand, but he moves it to hide his face.

‘Please go Starsk…just go…’

I wasn’t at his leavin’ do. I couldn’t wave him off and wish him all the best. I’m a petty bastard and I know it but he’s castin’ me aside so screw him. That’s what I told myself and nearly convinced myself to stick to it. Until five minutes ago when I jumped in my car and raced off after him. He can’t be far out of town yet and he won’t get any further, he’s stayin’ here if I have to abduct him and yeah I get the irony and yeah he’s had enough of bein’ kept against his will but what else can I do?

That’s it, that’s Bill’s car. I’ll honk my horn or put on the siren, I’ll stop ‘em. Wait, what that guy’s drivin’ like a…he’s goin’ for Bill’s car. No, no way, he’ll kill them…

‘Starsk? Starsky? Talk to me, will ya? Are you with me, are you okay?’

‘H-Hutch, buddy that you. You okay?’

‘Me? You’re the one who just crashed his car and knocked himself out on the steering wheel.’

‘The guy…he was gonna…he’s after you Hutch. He’s gonna…’

‘Hey, take it easy will ya? He’s goin’ nowhere babe. Went through the windshield. What’s left of him’ll need a hospital before he can move a muscle.’ 

‘He was gonna…he was gonna…kill you.’

‘I know buddy, I know…but it’s alright, we’re both okay and the ambulance will be here any minute and you can get checked out, okay? I still can’t believe you…you wrecked your Torino.’

‘Yeah so…I don’t give a damn about my car, this town, my job…none of it matters, all I care about is you. I had to stop you, had to. Please say you’re not goin’ anywhere babe.’

‘I’m not going anywhere, sweet boy. I’m sayin’ right here with you.’ Hutch is strokin’ my face, my heads killin’ or it should be but all I can feel is Hutch stoking my face.

‘You comfortable? Can I get you anything?’

‘Just you Babe, just you.’

‘You got me, haven’t let me go or even leave this bed for days now.’

It’s true I have him exactly where I want him, where I’ve wanted him for a long time, in my bed with me. 

‘So, who was that on the phone?’

Hutch has got that guilty look on his face again, there’s something he doesn’t want to tell me.

‘Hutch?’ I say grabbing his hand and intwining our fingers, I squeeze to prompt him.

‘Sorry, hey…um, that was just Bill.’

‘Oh, okay what did he want.’

Hutch gives me a look that says don’t be like that and I did try to keep the resentment out of my voice, guess I failed.

‘No go on…what did he have to say.' I say trying to sound more neutral.

‘He’s leavin’ town today, just wanted me to know is all.’

I hope I’m not smiling but if I am the expression on Hutch’s face has wiped it away.

‘You…you’re not havin’ second thoughts are you, wishin’ you’d gone with him?’

‘No nothin’ like that Babe.’ Hutch kisses my forehead.

‘What then?’

‘I’m gonna miss him that’s all...he was a good friend to me, kept my head on straight…for the most part.’

‘And I’ll always be grateful to him for that.’

Hutch doesn’t seem convinced. ‘No sweetheart, I mean it. If it wasn’t for him, you might’ve come back to me. And I know I’ve said it before but if I could go back, I’d find you and bring you home sooner.’

‘I know you would Buddy…I know that. You made it up to me, saved my life, nearly totalling yourself as well as your car. I really thought we’d got all of Alexie’s gang but I guess I was wrong, it was a bigger organization than we thought. But however many are still out there we’ll get them together.’

‘You bet we will, none of them will get away with what they did to you Babe.’

‘But as bad as this has all been at least it led you to finally show me just how much I mean to you and you shared your feelings with me. I know it wasn’t easy for you. This wasn’t how you saw your future was it?’ 

‘Neither of us planned to fall in love with our best friend but this exactly how I saw my future, or at least how I hoped it would be. Spendin’ my future with the person I love best in the world, the true and so special love of my life. I might have taken an embarrassingly long time to realize it but it was always you Hutch. You, my partner.’

Hutch ducks his head and flutters his eyelashes and any minute he’ll be full on blushin’ I’d laugh if I wasn’t so smitten with how adorable he is. He’s so damn beautiful I don’t deserve him.

Hutch kisses me sweetly on the lips, ‘We got it made Partner,’ he says.

‘That we do Babe…and as much as I’d like to stay just like this, have you thought about what you want to do?’

He sighs and stares off into some other world, the one from the bad dreams he has every night. ‘I don’t know, Starsk. I still want to help people, I’ve been thinkin’ about the victim’s unit or some other department, I don’t know. I could try for lieutenant. I’m not sure I can go back on the streets.’ 

‘You don’t have to decide now but I still want you back as my partner, we did help people Hutch and the job stinks without you.’

‘Maybe the job just stinks…and you’ve got Mike.’

‘Screw Mike, he’s not you.’

‘That’s why I hope you won’t screw Mike actually.’ Hutch throws his head back and laughs. I should be glad he’s got over being pissed about what he thought of as his ‘replacement’ but I’m not, this is too important. 

‘He’s not you, my love.’ 

He looks at me with all the love I hope he can see in my eyes. 

‘I promise to think about it, but can we just enjoy being partners in the way that matters most to me, huh?’ He takes hold of my arm, using it to pull himself on top of me. 

‘Anything you want Hutch.’

‘Anything?’ Hutch says raising an eyebrow and he’s givin’ me a sexy stare.

‘I’m all yours.’ I tell me smiling like a fool.

He stokes his hand through my chest hair and heads on south.

‘Good because I’ve got plans for this bad boy.’ He says takin’ hold of me.

‘I’ve got some plans of my own,’ I say putting my arms around him, ‘and if I’m ever careless enough to lose you from my life again I swear I’ll go to the ends of the earth to bring you home. You know that don’t you. You know how much I love you?’ 

Hutch kisses my chest, nods his head and says, ‘I do my sweet boy, I do.’

‘I won’t give you reason to, so please don’t doubt it again, okay?’

‘I won’t, promise,’ he says with a sweet, almost innocent expression on his face.

I’ll make sure he never doubts me again or the lengths I’d go to for him, I nuzzle into his hair, breathe him in and kiss his head. He’s where I need him to be, he has to stay, I won’t let go this time. He’s everything to me and he’ll know it every day, I swear.


End file.
